folie
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The Giraffe Resolution
| Posted at 05:09 AM on April 30, 2009 |
9 Counts of Assault in the First Degree with a Neck Pillow
Tonight at work, a coworker went to empty the lavatory on one of our planes. He hooked up the hose, gave it a good tug, flipped the switch, and jumped back in case the tug hadn't been enough to expose a hidden weakness in the connection. Then, something strange happened...
Nothing.
No greenish cascades of poo-brine. No plopping murky foam. No nothing.
We were suddenly in the midst of the second most dreadful scenario possible when dealing with removing human waste from an aircraft (the first being when the plane opens up its bowels freely into a hose that wasn't properly connected) -- the pin was pulled, the grenade was thrown, but there was no explosion.
Everyone stood frozen and eyed everyone else.
Are you sure you pulled the pin?
Which direction did you throw it?
Do we go looking for it or just run?
You threw it. You go check it out.
All eyes simultaneously turned to the poor sap who had drawn the short straw and gotten stuck on lavs tonight. He approached the hose as if trying to sneak up on it and inspected it as if expecting a bomb to go off in his face. He unflipped and reflipped the switch several times. No explosion.
He breathed a sigh of relief, and all the onlookers hoping for a casualty lost interest and wandered off. Maintenance was called. We all assumed it had frozen and didn't pay it much attention until...
The mechanic pulled out the first neck pillow.
Not one of the inflatable ones -- a full-fledged plush neck pillow, bloated and dripping excrement.
Then the second one.
And another. Another.
Until he had removed 9 neck pillows sopping in shit and piss and blue juice.
Now, let's analyze this:
1) The cost of 9 plush neck pillows is no small change. This was an investment. Even the cheapest plush neck pillows run upwards of $13 a pop. If the perpetrator bought them online, there was most likely a shipping fee tacked onto that. For the sake of argument and giving folks the benefit of the doubt, let's assume these were the most inexpensive neck pillows and that the perpetrator bought them at a 'brick and mortar' store or got free shipping online. That's still about $120 down the toilet.
Yeah, I said it.
2) This was premeditated. No one just carries around 9 neck pillows. In order to check in on time, having already procured the neck pillows and somehow shoved them into a bag the size of the miniature carry-ons that will fit in the overhead bin of a small commuter plane, one would have had to plan at least several hours in advance. More likely, it was days or, in the case of having bought the neck pillows online, weeks before the flight that the perpetrator began planning this attack.
3) Somehow, this passenger managed to get 9 neck pillows on board a plane without drawing attention. This, in and of itself, is pretty impressive. However, getting all 9 of those neck pillows down the aisle and into the restroom unnoticed makes me question the observation skills of our crew members and other passengers.
4) Then, getting all 9 of those neck pillows to go down the toilet had to have taken a while and gotten pretty messy.
5) Finally, I cannot think of any problem in which the most logical available solution would involve shoving 9 neck pillows down the shitter of a commercial prop(eller) jet.
The only thing that would make any sense is that it was a giraffe. Giraffes are terrorists.
Tonight at work, a coworker went to empty the lavatory on one of our planes. He hooked up the hose, gave it a good tug, flipped the switch, and jumped back in case the tug hadn't been enough to expose a hidden weakness in the connection. Then, something strange happened...
Nothing.
No greenish cascades of poo-brine. No plopping murky foam. No nothing.
We were suddenly in the midst of the second most dreadful scenario possible when dealing with removing human waste from an aircraft (the first being when the plane opens up its bowels freely into a hose that wasn't properly connected) -- the pin was pulled, the grenade was thrown, but there was no explosion.
Everyone stood frozen and eyed everyone else.
Are you sure you pulled the pin?
Which direction did you throw it?
Do we go looking for it or just run?
You threw it. You go check it out.
All eyes simultaneously turned to the poor sap who had drawn the short straw and gotten stuck on lavs tonight. He approached the hose as if trying to sneak up on it and inspected it as if expecting a bomb to go off in his face. He unflipped and reflipped the switch several times. No explosion.
He breathed a sigh of relief, and all the onlookers hoping for a casualty lost interest and wandered off. Maintenance was called. We all assumed it had frozen and didn't pay it much attention until...
The mechanic pulled out the first neck pillow.
Not one of the inflatable ones -- a full-fledged plush neck pillow, bloated and dripping excrement.
Then the second one.
And another. Another.
Until he had removed 9 neck pillows sopping in shit and piss and blue juice.
Now, let's analyze this:
1) The cost of 9 plush neck pillows is no small change. This was an investment. Even the cheapest plush neck pillows run upwards of $13 a pop. If the perpetrator bought them online, there was most likely a shipping fee tacked onto that. For the sake of argument and giving folks the benefit of the doubt, let's assume these were the most inexpensive neck pillows and that the perpetrator bought them at a 'brick and mortar' store or got free shipping online. That's still about $120 down the toilet.
Yeah, I said it.
2) This was premeditated. No one just carries around 9 neck pillows. In order to check in on time, having already procured the neck pillows and somehow shoved them into a bag the size of the miniature carry-ons that will fit in the overhead bin of a small commuter plane, one would have had to plan at least several hours in advance. More likely, it was days or, in the case of having bought the neck pillows online, weeks before the flight that the perpetrator began planning this attack.
3) Somehow, this passenger managed to get 9 neck pillows on board a plane without drawing attention. This, in and of itself, is pretty impressive. However, getting all 9 of those neck pillows down the aisle and into the restroom unnoticed makes me question the observation skills of our crew members and other passengers.
4) Then, getting all 9 of those neck pillows to go down the toilet had to have taken a while and gotten pretty messy.
5) Finally, I cannot think of any problem in which the most logical available solution would involve shoving 9 neck pillows down the shitter of a commercial prop(eller) jet.
The only thing that would make any sense is that it was a giraffe. Giraffes are terrorists.
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alice
03:41 AM on November 03, 2009
looking for jantien in amsterdam. am waiting at customs.
call my international phone asap
call my international phone asap
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